I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
