You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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