fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
