I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
