eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
