mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
