Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
