Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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