So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
