Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
