Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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