Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
