I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
