Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
