im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
