It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
