Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
