Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
