She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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