I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
