Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize