My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
