Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
