You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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