and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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