Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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