sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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