Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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