The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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