I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
