You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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