i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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