Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
