Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
