it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
