I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
