You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
