this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
