my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
