I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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