Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Girls should come with a carfax report
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
