Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
