Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
