ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
