I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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