I need to stop coming to work sober
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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