When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize