I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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