he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i believe in u and ur pee
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
