We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All I want is dick and wine.
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