i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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