happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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