i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
