my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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