Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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