plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
