Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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