True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
