I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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